Transformations

I had a good friend call me up a few weeks ago and ask me how I did it. Specifically, how did I make the jump from being an attorney to a writer? Was there one moment that I knew I needed to change, or did it build up slowly?

There were many moments, and many ups and downs. The moment during my first semester of law school when I knew with absolute certainty that being a litigator in the adversarial system was not for me. The moments when I chose to ignore that feeling. The months of looking for work and wondering where I would belong. Other moments where I enjoyed aspects of the work I was doing, even as a civil litigator in the adversarial system. The months of dread when I wondered how I would ever move on to something else. But always, always the creeping feeling that this wasn’t entirely me.

Something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t feel right. My health was suffering. My life outside of work was suffering. I think what it came down to was the simple, undeniable fact that I knew things could be better. That I could be better. And the final push was knowing that I needed to be a better person for the people who depended on me the most. It is amazing what I am willing to put myself through, but there is a very firm line of what I am willing to put the people I love through. And once that line had been crossed, there was no going back.

Sometimes an awakening is triggered not by concern for ourselves, but by concern for someone else. For how our actions impact other people, or something that ignites a strong reaction to defend someone else, even if we wouldn’t have defended ourselves.

At first, I focused on paying off my student loans. If I could just pay them off, then things would be alright and I could move on to something else. But I quickly realized that I need an earlier escape. So I started to make plans. Throw out ideas, dream about what I would do if I could. Even when it didn’t seem like it would ever be possible. Yet I still hoped and I still dreamed. And I plodded along.

(c) Amber Byers

Sometimes I talked about my dreams. I talked to people in different areas of the law, people outside of the law. Sometimes I questioned if I even knew what I wanted. Sometimes I cried and agonized over the loss of what I had hoped a legal practice would be for me.

Yet at the same time that I was being pushed out of my legal career, I was also being pulled into my new life as an artist. This one idea kept coming up, the same idea that’s been coming up for my entire life. Writing. It’s what I always go back to. Whenever I’m at a standstill, it’s this little idea that keeps popping up inside my head. And I start thinking, wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could just write? Because I am an artist at my core and there is a certain peace that comes from being who you really are.

There are untold stories waiting inside of me to be written, found, discovered. And I start thinking about the authors who have inspired me over the years. Sometimes I feel frantic for all of the time that I’ve wasted not writing. There are so many books to write, things to learn, awards to win! And then I remember that I’m right where I need to be. All of that time spent in uncertainty, feeling stuck – it was just getting me ready for this right now.

Sometimes I still plod along and question what I want. But I am a force in motion now. I don’t have to know all of the answers. I just have to keep moving.