Overcoming My Own Stereotypes

With my first book on tour, this blog has been focusing a lot on what’s been happening out in the world lately. And while I love sharing my exciting news and events with you, my dear readers, I have also been feeling like it’s time to reflect on where I’m at with this journey of living the life I imagined.

For the past several months, I have been dreaming about cutting my hair. Buzzing it all off, to be exact. Why? Because I’m tired of spending time and money on something that doesn’t hold much value to me. Time spent brushing it, blow-drying it, and styling it. Money spent getting it professionally cut.

If these seem like trivial concerns, please acquaint yourself with this startling statistic: Hillary Clinton spent about 600 hours getting her hair and makeup done during the 2016 presidential campaign. That adds up to 25 days! Nearly an entire month! Considering the important work that a president does, it doesn't matter to me if she looked disshevled or perfectly styled. I would have supported her being able to spend that time developing brilliant policies instead.

Now I don’t spend anywhere near that amount of time on hair or makeup, but I have spent way more time and money on my physical appearance over the course of my career than I’ve actually wanted to. When I was an attorney, I used to wear makeup and either curl or flatiron my hair, and I had a boss tell me once that I needed to “sparkle” more. Many of the women in that firm got their hair and nails professionally done on a regular basis and walked around in heels, all of which are not really things I’ve ever been that interested in. I remember thinking that I’d understand his request if I were modeling or something, but for god’s sake, I was an attorney. Even though I upped my “sparkle” at that job, underneath it all, I really resented having to do it. I told my husband that if I ever needed an attorney for something, I’d rather have a wicked smart one than a sparkly one.

So, back to my haircut. Long hair annoys me when I work out. I have to pull it back in a ponytail when I run or lift weights, but then that same ponytail gets in my way when I lay down on my yoga mat to do ab work—the bump on the back of my head just doesn’t feel good.

And I’ve always cared more about how I feel than how I look. But I’ve held back on buzzing my hair out of fear. Mostly fear that I wouldn’t look professional enough, but also fear that people would make assumptions about me that weren’t true. Perhaps they would think I was a man. Maybe they’d think I was gay. Or they could assume that I had cancer. Once I let those thoughts out of my head, I realized that they weren’t insurmountable. I’m okay if someone sees me and thinks I’m a man. We are, after all, from the same species. But sometimes we forget and assume that for a woman to be mistaken for a man is a horrible insult, that it means she is less beautiful and therefore less valuable. But that’s only true if you assume that women’s value comes from their beauty. And frankly, I think that, as humans, our intelligence, compassion, humor, kindness, creativity, and even productivity are much more valuable than our beauty. Plus, men and women are quite similar actually. Now if you mistake me for an alligator or a parakeet, I’m going to be concerned. But a man? I can live with that.

So I started in stages. I got a short bob last fall. Then I got a pixie cut a few weeks ago, but returned a week later to explain to the hairdresser that when I said, “Short,” I really meant it. And you know what amazed me the most? How many famous women have already done what it took me months to do. When I Googled pictures of a short haircut to show my hairdresser, I found tons of actresses with super short hair. And the reaction from people I know has been completely positive. Most people say they like how it looks, and some people say they wish they were that brave to cut their hair so short. Not a single person told me I looked unprofessional. Maybe strangers who saw me made assumptions about me. Maybe not. Either way, I’m okay with that.

What I learned is that I was carrying around my own assumptions, and then letting those assumptions limit my actions. My fears tried to masquerade as reasonable concerns about whether I would be valued by other people, when in fact, they were simply my own stereotypes. My own stereotypes. Not anyone else’s. Just my own. And now that I’ve recognized that, I can let them go. My identity, my value as a human being is much broader than the limitations my fear attempted to place on me.

Next up? Once it grows too long for me, I’m going to shave it. And, honestly, I can’t believe it took me so long to get up the courage. It’s just hair, after all. The value of my services, the way I help clients see their writing or their life in a new way, my dependability, and the way I interact with clients—how I give them my full attention, and speak to them respectfully and encouragingly—well, all of that reflects my professionalism way more than any haircut ever could.

Oh, and for all of you who still need a little hint at what I’ve been producing and working on, here’s a glimpse of me in the recording booth doing a recording session for Sophie and Spot. I’ve recorded half of the book already, and have just started learning how to edit. Pro tip: don’t stop editing in the middle of a file. Or if you do, write down where you ended, because when you come back to it later, you’re probably not going to remember where you left off and you’ll have to do the whole thing over again.